if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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