dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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