nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
