please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
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