I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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