Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
