went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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