I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
