I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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