I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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