It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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