there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Plan B is the new Plan A
now i know why i became what i already was.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Randomize
