Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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