You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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