booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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