Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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