i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
