I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
