dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
