Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
