i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
