I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Randomize