It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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