I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
