are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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