What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
