I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
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