i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
