first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
