Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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