Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
