Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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