I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I'm at about main and main street
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
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