I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
