Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Someone came in the potted fern
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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