no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
