Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
