I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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