why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
