Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
