So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
