I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize