considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
