I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
