Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
