In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Randomize