Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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