Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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