my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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