if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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