Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Randomize
