I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
