Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
