Kareoke will never be a sober sport
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize