im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize