Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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