dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
