tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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