you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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