put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
